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I'M DRUNK RIGHT NOW, SAY 80% OF WORKERS

MORE than three-quarters of all office workers are either drunk or drinking at their desks right now, according to a new report.

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SUPERMARKETS MUST BE STABBED THROUGH THE HEART UNDER A FULL MOON, SAYS REGULATOR

BRITAIN'S leading supermarket chains can only be defeated if a bronze dagger is plunged into their chest by the light of a full moon, the Competition Commission said today.

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CONSUMERS TO LINK OIL COMPANY PROFITS AND PETROL PRICES ANY DAY NOW

OIL company executives were last night heading to undisclosed locations amid speculation that consumers were about to make the link between high petrol prices and corporate profits.

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YOUR STARS

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      Taurus: Saturn has made
    work and property your top
    priority since May, but now
    Mercury has decided it’s time
   you were fired and your
    home repossessed.


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