the dailymash

Jamie Oliver re-brands bacteria as 'Funky Coli'

THE microbes present in TV chef Jamie Oliver's restaurant kitchens are cool and laid-back, it was claimed last night.

Giggs leaves wife for Hugh Bonneville

GENTLEMAN footballer Ryan Giggs has left his wife for softly-spoken Downton Abbey star Hugh Bonneville.

Vatican accidentally beatifies Ringo

THE Catholic Church last night beatified Ringo Starr by mistake.

Britain overjoyed by union of buttocks

BRITAIN has been inspired and energised by the joining together of Pippa Middleton's left and right buttocks.

Middletons finally offended by Prince Philip

KATE Middleton's parents have finally been subjected to a series of horribly offensive comments by Prince Philip.

Middleton coat of arms features BMW badge and golf ball

THE Middleton family has unveiled Britain's most middle class coat of arms.

'I'm just a hack standing in front of a boy, asking him if he's taping me'

HUGH Grant is back on top of the Hollywood A-list after rave reviews for his new film The Englishman Who Went to a Pub With a Hidden Microphone.

Clarkson continues heartbreaking bid to hide true sexuality

TV bad boy Jeremy Clarkson remains filled with inner turmoil after shattering Richard Hammond's heart into a million tiny pieces, it has emerged.

She might get fat, Church tells William

THE Church of England has urged Prince William not to hop on a passing skank if Kate Middleton gains a few pounds.