ANGELINA Jolie is expected to give birth to twins within hours after bodyguards took up positions outside her vagina.

MOTORSPORT boss Max Mosley yesterday rejected claims he had taken part in a Nazi-themed orgy, insisting the event was nothing more than a suburban book club.

PRINCE William is facing a ban from some of his favourite Fulham Road nightclubs after his Royal Navy ship seized £40m worth of cocaine.

POP star Madonna’s childhood home in Detroit has been burned to the ground in an apparent revenge attack by Jesus. 

SOME of the biggest names in showbiz have come together in London to prove how shabby and pointless they are compared to Nelson Mandela.

CANADIAN songstress Celine Dion is the world's worst person ever, according to a new opinion poll.

FORMER Blue Peter presenter Valerie Singleton was under attack last night after insisting she was not a raving lesbian.

MILLIONS of malnourished Africans yesterday sent a telegram of congratulations to Wayne Rooney and his bride Coleen following their £5m wedding celebration.