TREES will not uproot themselves and embark on blood-soaked killing sprees by 2035, global warming experts have admitted.

NATURALISTS have warned that there are less than 50 Susan Boyles left in the Scottish rainforests, as they continue to be hunted for their prized vocal cords.

WITH heavy snow covering Britain for the 21st day in a row, people across the country were last night showing the first signs of starting to freak out.

HEAVY snow across the south east of England last night forced Big Brother presenter Davina McCall to eat her own foot.

MILLIONS of children are urging world leaders to invest in new ways of generating electricity for the mobile phones and games consoles they are glued to every minute of the fucking day.

GLACIERS in the Alps, Andes and Himalayas have stopped melting after the release of secret emails showing climate change scientists are at it.

WOMEN who know their place emit less carbon dioxide than uppity madames with so-called careers, it was confirmed last night.

GLOATING water voles last night said they were loving it as new figures show they are thriving while everyone else is screwed.