the dailymash

Smoking ruins don't need electricity, says Cameron

DAVID Cameron has said domestic energy bills will tumble once everybody's house is a pile of rubble.

Britain to be hit by entirely typical weather

TEMPERATURES in the UK are going to fall sharply over the coming weeks because that is what happens at this time of year, it has been claimed.

Atlas omits huge lump of arseholes talking about climate change

THE latest edition of the Times Atlas of the World has missed out a huge mass of twats talking shit at each other.

Tory donor kills lion but still fails to get full erection

MILLIONAIRE banker Sir David Scholey remains unable to achieve an erect penis despite shooting bullets into a lion, it has emerged.

Otters back to f**k shit up

OTTERS have returned to the UK's riverbanks and it's gonna be off the chain, it has emerged.

Irish pub chain to open in Arctic Circle

DRUNKEN polar bears will be able to get piss-poor pints of Guinness in sub-zero theme pubs after proving their Irishness.

Heartwarming animal friendship turns physical

THE unlikely bond between an injured chick and an orang-utan has evolved into a sexual relationship, it emerged last night.

Fish defeated

FISH are on the brink of surrender, it was confirmed last night.

Shark attacked by British holidaymakers

A GREAT WHITE shark escaped with cuts and bruises after straying into coastal waters full of British drunks.