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FUN CAUSES CANCER, SAY DOCS

ImageA LIFE of po-faced self-denial and thinking that animals are people can reduce the risk of cancer, doctors have claimed.

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ALL CHILDRENS PARTIES A BAD IDEA, SAY DOCS

ImageSWINE flu parties for children are exactly as bad as any other party filled with jam-covered little shits fucking-up your widescreen television, doctors said last night.

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MEGA-CLAP TERRORISES IBIZA

ImageA MUTANT strain of gonorrhoea has laid waste to large sections of Ibiza and is threatening to invade the UK this summer, experts have warned.

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WEAR EAR PROTECTION DURING PIG SEX, FARMERS WARNED

ImageFARMERS who copulate with pigs risk permanent deafness from the animals' frenzied squealing, according to latest guidelines from the Health and Safety Executive.

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FAT PEOPLE EATING SHITLOADS OF SOUP

ImageAS new research revealed that eating soup could help with weight loss, greedy, fat people across Britain have set about devouring shitloads of the stuff.

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FOOD COMPANIES FORCED TO REPLACE SALT WITH FLAVOUR

ImageFOOD manufacturers will be forced to replace salt with food that tastes of things, it emerged last night.

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PANDEMIC OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT YOU THOUGHT IT WAS

ImageTHE World Health Organisation has confirmed that a pork flu pandemic is now imminent, raising fears that millions of people obviously have no idea what a pandemic is.

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WHO WILL BE THE FIRST ARSEHOLE TO WEAR A FACEMASK?

ImageAS the number of confirmed pork flu cases in the UK soared into single figures, millions of people across Britain were last night wondering who would be the first arsehole to start wearing a facemask.
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TWO SCOTTISH PEOPLE FEELING A BIT RUN DOWN

ImageTHE government has raised its virus alert level to 'pantastic' after it was confirmed that two people in Scotland were hovering close to feeling slightly unwell.
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