BRITAIN'S fat people are to be hounded into submission through a multi-million pound strategy of shouting and community violence.

FILLING your bed with frogs before you go to sleep could stop you getting a decent night's rest, new research reveals.

EVERYONE is to be fitted with a zip as part of Gordon Brown’s plan to nationalise Britain’s kidneys.

THE number of men addicted to sex with themselves is just about the same as it has always been, a new study reveals. 

ABANDONING your job, your family and the outside world in favour of a big glass tube can extend your life expectancy by decades, according to a new study.

TRADITIONAL lightbulbs are a healthy and nutritious superfood rich in riboflavin and better for you than broccoli, the traditional light bulb industry revealed last night. 

SMOKERS are nearly five times more likely to be eaten by dragons than non-smokers, a new study suggests. 

BRITAIN exploded at both ends last night as the latest gastric superbug lit up the nation's bathrooms.