MILLIONS of arses manufactured by the industrial giant Mitsubishi are being recalled after a series of catastrophic bottom failures, it emerged last night.

EXERCISE rates among women have plummeted after doctors said talking and talking and talking all bloody day no longer counts.

THE drinking of alcoholic liquer prevents the poor from carrying out their duties and if left unchecked will hasten the demise of the Empire, the Ladies Temperance League has warned.

MIXING alcohol with energy drinks stops you from falling asleep in discos and makes you fornicate like a rabbit, leading doctors warned last night.

METROPOLITAN police officers are to face tough new health and safety regulations for shooting people in the face, including hairnets and sterilised ear muffs.

HEALTH experts were last night told to 'go fuck themselves' after advising consumers to give up bacon.

YEARS of listening to the ear-splitting crack of Catholic skulls has left hundreds of RUC officers with hearing difficulties, it was claimed last night.

PEOPLE who get drunk and then empty their bladder on and around their boss's workspace are the victims of 21st century society, a major study has revealed.