the dailymash

Thing is, you might get hit by a bus tomorrow, say doctors

YOU never know what's going to happen so you might as well eat a load of crisps, doctors said last night.

Bumping off elderly relatives easier than ever

MURDERING an ageing relative has never been simpler, it was confirmed last night.

Celebrity culture making women feel insufficiently stupid

WOMAN are being pressurised into emulating unrealistic levels of brainless folly, according to a new report.

NHS to be reformed merely for the sake of it

THE government has backed down on ideologically-driven changes to the NHS and will now overhaul the health service 'because'.

Reading Discworld backwards 'makes you want to kill yourself'

READING Sir Terry Pratchett's Discworld saga back to front makes you want to commit suicide, supporters of unbearable pain said last night.

Sex addiction linked to being a wealthy middle-aged man

SCIENTISTS believe they are closer to curing sex addiction after identifying an unusually high incidence among rich, ageing men.

Of course it was beansprouts

AN inquiry was launched last night into why it has taken more than a week to trace the Ecoli outbreak to the foulest of all vegetables.

British adults reminded they should wash hands after defecating

THERE were fresh concerns about Britain last night after officials found it necessary to remind fully-grown humans to wash their hands after going to the lavatory.

All mobiles deadly except bankers'

HAVING a mobile phone strapped to your head will produce money-making brain vitamins, investment bankers were assured last night.