the dailymash

Doctors turn down money

DOCTORS have rejected an opportunity to make more money, it has emerged.

Bieber-fever a sexually transmitted disease, say experts

'BIEBER fever' is a sexually transmitted bacterial infection, scientists have confirmed.

Relief as kebabs found to contain chimp meat

KEBAB lovers were last night relieved to discover their favourite food is nothing more than illegal chimpanzee meat.

Thousands of public health experts could disappear

THOUSANDS of public health experts could disappear over the next two weeks if they don't shut it, according to a new study.

NHS forcing old people into bare-knuckle boxing

THE National Health Service is now little more than a front for illegal boxing matches between frail pensioners, according to a new report.

NHS to get fat people to hospital using trail of Wotsits

THE NHS is to improve its performance in getting fat people to hospital by deploying long trails of Wotsits.

Sobbing NHS moves back in with mother

HEARTBROKEN sort-of-health service the NHS has admitted that the Tories have been knocking it about again.

Britain begins fitness drive that will rapidly peter out

BRITAIN has launched its annual health kick with a pledge to keep it going until Friday.

Echinacea proves 100% effective against ghosts

HERBAL remedy Echinacea is infallible when used against malevolent wraiths trapped between this world and the next, according to new research.