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POLICE TO WEAR HAIRNETS WHILE SHOOTING SUSPECTS IN THE FACE

METROPOLITAN police officers are to face tough new health and safety regulations for shooting people in the face, including hairnets and sterilised ear muffs.

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LEAVE BACON OUT OF IT, HEALTH EXPERTS WARNED

HEALTH experts were last night told to 'go fuck themselves' after advising consumers to give up bacon.

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ULSTER POLICE DEAFENED BY CATHOLIC SCREAMS

YEARS of listening to the ear-splitting crack of Catholic skulls has left hundreds of RUC officers with hearing difficulties, it was claimed last night.

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