Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
All the computing power that first took man to the moon is now contained in your mobile phone. And all you use it for is to text inanities to your equally twattish mates. You arse.

Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Saturn puts you on Easy Street until November but then Mercury has you kidnapped and shipped to the Philippines where you are forced to shoot ping-pong balls out of your yin-yan for drunken American sailors until Christmas.

Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The arrival of Venus in sensual Taurus means they have much better things to do than get involved in sorting out the petty inconveniences of your meaningless existence. Naff off.

Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Saturn hands you power and responsibility but Neptune keeps on undermining you by telling everyone you slept your way to the top. Which, let's be honest, you did.

Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Get some decent photos taken. When you go missing, your family will have to use that one from six years ago where you look like a twat. And no-one's going to stay up all night looking for a twat.

WITH PSYCHIC BOB

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
There are times when you are so spiritual and ethereal you put the rest of us to shame. But mostly you're just a money-grubbing, sex-obsessed arsehole.