IF Britain wants to pay more than £15 for a DVD player then it may as well just go ahead and boycott the Beijing Olympics, the prime minister said last night.

INDIANA Jones, the eminent archaeologist, has condemned the Chinese as a 'gang of no-good scumbags' claiming they tried to poison him in a Shanghai nightclub.

THE UN secretary general has written to the prime minister of Thailand asking why they don't just eat toasted sandwiches.

A JUBILANT Mitt Romney last night promised 'wives for all' after storming to victory in the Michigan primary contest.

THE French have abandoned their traditional disinterest in the private lives of politicians, labeling the girlfriend of President Sarkozy a 'total pump'.

DEMOCRATIC presidential candidate Hillary Clinton walked out of a campaign event in New Hampshire after small amounts of salty water began leaking from her eyes.

AMERICANS may still not be ready to vote for an annoying, screechy harridan after Hillary Clinton's poor showing in the Iowa caucus.

THE United Nations last night passed an emergency resolution calling on the people of Pakistan to explain exactly what the fuck is wrong with them.