the dailymash

Statue to show Reagan forgetting something important

A NEW statue of Ronald Reagan will depict the late president forgetting one of the illegal things he did.

Bachmann launches White House bid by machine-gunning a pig

MICHELLE Bachmann has launched her presidential campaign with the ritual machine-gunning of a pig.

Greek butlers all round

EVERYONE in Britain is to receive part of a Greek person in exchange for large amounts of cash.

Texas police draw up list of approved psychics

POLICE in Texas are to draw up a list of certified psychic visionaries after a supernatural tip-off turned out to be a waste of time.

Chinese to peek at your email before buying everything and making you their slave

CHINA'S plans for world domination now include the relentless purchase of all physical assets, your total, crushing enslavement and having a sneaky peek at your email account.

Denmark kicks your grandmother in the face

DENMARK may as well have kicked your lovely old grandmother right in the teeth, it emerged last night.

Obama thanks Queen for imperialist, ceremonial bullshit

PRESIDENT Obama last night thanked the Queen for laying on the sort of ceremonial bullshit that harks back to the empire that crushed his beautiful African ancestors.

We'll call you, IMF tells Clarke

THE International Monetary Fund has promised Ken Clarke it will definitely give him a call about the vacant chief executive's position.

'Good God! What the hell's that?' shouts Pakistan

PAKISTAN last night pointed at the sky and screamed in a pathetic attempt to distract the world from its nauseatingly transparent guilt.