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TOP 10 THIS MONTH

• RONALDO TO STAR IN REMAKE OF 'ROOTS'
• 85% OF MEN HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO REACT TO HELEN MIRREN IN A BIKINI
• ALCOHOL TO CARRY 'SHITFACED' WARNING
• BRITAIN WILLING BT BROADBAND COUPLE TO SPLIT
• F22 RAPTOR ALSO A CAMERA
• MILLIONAIRE ACTORS TOLD TO CHEER THE F*CK UP
• GOVERNMENT TO CONSOLIDATE ALL ITS DEBTS INTO ONE LOW MONTHLY PAYMENT
• 'NAZI TODDLERS RUINED MY BIRTHDAY'
• SMOKERS URGE GATES TO PRODUCE SOFTWARE THAT ACTUALLY FUCKING WORKS
• CENTRICA LOVING IT

TOP 10 EVER

• PEOPLE WHO KNOW HOW TO F*CKING PARK ON BRINK OF EXTINCTION
• FRENCH TRADER WAS FORCED TO WORK 30 HOURS A WEEK
• 'LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THIS F*CKING RAT' SAY ZOOLOGISTS
• BRA RESEARCH MUST GO ON, VOWS SCIENTIST
• SCOTLAND DIES LAUGHING
• GOVERNMENT TO TACKLE BINGE-W*NKING
• CANNABIS NOW WORSE THAN THE NAZIS
• LEAVE BACON OUT OF IT, HEALTH EXPERTS WARNED
• I'LL BE JUST FINE, SAYS PLANET
• LIVING IN A BIG GLASS TUBE CAN ADD 40 YEARS TO YOUR LIFE, SAY EXPERTS

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