the dailymash

Guardian sports supplement still number one choice for lighting middle-class barbecues

THE Guardian's Weekend Sport supplement has retained its title as the number one choice for lighting middle class barbecues.

More Britons can't afford to get the hell out of here

MIGRATION figures show more Britons than ever are trapped in this godforsaken hellhole.

Britain expels clever people

A GROWING number of intelligent people have been expelled from the UK for smelling weird and preferring maths to telly.

Court forced to differentiate between competing voodoo

DRUID leader King Arthur Pend... John Rothwell has had his particular brand of mojimbo dismissed by the high court.

Abstract toilet door signs creating nothing but embarrassment

TRENDY pub toilet door signs featuring abstract depictions of gender should be banned, experts have claimed.

Retirement home entry criteria 'too easy'

A RECORD number of pensioners have been granted places in care homes across Britain, amid claims the entry criteria are easier than ever.

Cat denies assaulting other cat

JAZZY, a three-year-old dark brown cat, has denied starting the vicious fight which left his black-and-white neighbour Sparks needing three stitches.

Britain's teenagers herded into their pens

IN the midst of social strife Britain's traditions endure as today the country celebrates the Great Annual Sifting of the Teenagers.

David Cameron invents the Scouts

THE prime minister has unveiled a radical new concept for social change involving youngsters with neckerchiefs being helpful.