the dailymash

Manchester begins to eat itself

MANCHESTER has become a self-sufficient vortex of annihilation, scientists have confirmed.

Ulster riots still far too enjoyable

SECTARIAN rioting in Northern Ireland is still far too much fun for all concerned, it was claimed last night.

Weddings in stupid places to bankrupt Britain

MILLIONS of Britons are facing financial ruin because their friends keep getting married in distant, expensive places they have only visited once.

Are you more German than Hitler?

PEOPLE across Britain are today asking themselves 'Am I more German than Hitler?'.

Bishops only allowed to think about hot anal sex

GAY people can become Church of England bishops if they promise to just think about boisterous anal sex with a greasy plumber.

Runaway dads ever so worried about public opinion

A LOUD chorus of tut-tutting will sort out Britain's scumbags, it was confirmed last night.

Failing schools asked how you mess up colouring-in

HEADMASTERS of failing primary schools are to be quizzed on what is so difficult about three-piece jigsaws.

Bob Crow successfully infiltrates bourgeoisie

CUNNING socialist Bob Crow has successfully completed a daring reconnaisance mission at an exclusive capitalist restaurant.

Festival-goers hoping acts won't distract from camera phone use

AS the festival season begins, there are growing concerns the events are increasingly focusing on music instead of gratuitous, ego-driven amateur photography.