the dailymash

Royal wedding police unveil 'riot squad of hearts'

THE Metropolitan Police have vowed that next month's royal wedding will be a glorious pageant of tear gassed wonder.

AA repairmen still can't resist having a pop

ROADSIDE repairmen are still unable to fix your car without making some snide comment, it has emerged.

Money and objects to remain important

MONEY and the objects that can be purchased with it will continue to be everyone's top priority, it has been confirmed.

Maths teachers weird

BRITAIN'S maths teachers are freaks, it has emerged.

Laurie to release terribly nice blues album

HUGH Laurie is to release his first blues album detailing the trials of being an exceptionally-rich white man.

Most Britons think they're better than most other Britons

THE majority of UK citizens now look down on almost everyone else in the country, according to a new report.

Hipsters denied right to verbal communication

TRENDY, irony-obsessed young people are to be rendered mute and may only express their facile opinions via sandwich boards, it has been confirmed.

Creeping sense of oblivion up 32%

BRITAIN'S general feeling that all is lost has jumped by almost a third in the last quarter.

There's no shortage of shit jobs, minister tells unemployed

THOUSANDS of jobs involving raw meat and extreme temperatures are there for the taking, the government has claimed.