BRITAIN'S top judge has accused the secret service of trying to keep everything a big secret.

OSAMA Bin Laden would find himself at the sharp end of a £200 fine if he was tried in a British court, Cherie Blair said last night.

FANS of Tony Blair are today looking forward to a selection of his greatest hits, including Saddam Hussein Was a Horrible Man and the classic show-stopper 45 Minutes.

AMERICAN and British soldiers who take down Taleban fighters with a single shot have received thank you letters from Jesus, it emerged last night.

DEFENCE cuts could see Britain's armed forces being made up of Minotaurs, winged horses and nightmarish un-dead demons from Hellraiser, according to a new report.

THE FBI has issued computer generated images of what Osama Bin Laden would look like now, just in case you have seen him and not realised.

THE last great battle of our time was underway last night as Google and China began fighting for control of every living thing on the face of the Earth.

BRITAIN'S police could once again be able to kick the bejesus out of terror suspects after stop and search powers were declared illegal by some communist homosexuals.