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VERY BIG TERROR PLOT NOT VERY BIG OR TERRIFYING OR A PLOT, ADMIT POLICE

ImageTHE very big terror plot uncovered by police last week is not big, does not involve terrorists and is not a plot of any kind, it has emerged.

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TERROR RAIDS UNEARTH HUGE AMOUNT OF BULLSHIT

ImagePOLICE raids on suspected terrorists have uncovered a potentially lethal stockpile of bullshit, it emerged last night.

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SPECTRE OF SPANDAU BALLET RETURNS TO HAUNT BRITAIN

ImageHOME secretary Jacqui Smith last night warned that Britain faced a serious and imminent threat from dirty bombs and Spandau Ballet.

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FORMER MI5 CHIEF FINALLY GETS IT

ImageTHE former head of MI5 last night finally twigged that thing the rest of us realised about seven years ago.

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CABINET MINUTES TO REVEAL PRE-WAR BLOOD SACRIFICE

ImageMINUTES from Cabinet meetings in the run up to the Iraq war are expected to reveal how key decisions were made during a blood-soaked voodoo ritual.

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MI5 CHIEF INCREDIBLY BALD

A SERVING head of MI5 has appeared before the press for the first time and he is incredibly bald.

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THE PURGE BEGINS

THE Prime Minister last night began the elimination of his enemies as he pledged to cleanse Britain of the virus of dissent.

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BENT CUCUMBER KILLS FIVE

FIVE people were killed by a bent cucumber last night just hours after the European Union scrapped its controversial regulations on twisted fruit.

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PUBLIC CAN'T WAIT TO BE TRUNCHEONED ACROSS THE JAW, SAYS SMITH

MOST British people are looking forward to having a policeman stand on their windpipe, the home secretary said yesterday.

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