TERRORISTS are plotting to trigger the festive season by releasing baubles and tawdry seasonal crap into big shops, security experts warned last night.

RACISTS are damaging the reputation of the British Army and undermining its mission to kill brown people, it was claimed last night.

AL Qaeda is expected to focus its recruitment policy on ugly, fat people following the introduction of 'naked' airport scanners, it was claimed last night.

THERE was anger last night as European bureaucrats threatened to outlaw classic British puddings such as freckled ball bag and boiled arseholes.

GORDON Brown will this week tell the United Nations that Britain can no longer afford a fleet of multi-billion pound nuclear submarines it never needed in the first place.

OSAMA Bin Laden has swapped his hate-fuelled rhetoric for lengthy progressive rock jams, his new audio tape has revealed.

THREE twats were convicted yesterday of somehow managing to make British airports even more fucked-up than they already were.

THE army has pledged to keep building massive killer robots with a grudge against humanity, insisting that nothing can possibly go wrong.