LINDSAY Lohan needs to find herself a much hotter girlfriend - and quickly, men said last night.
THEY are calling it the most glamorous and successful London Gay Bullshit Week in years.
POP sensation Britney Spears will soon begin a fresh descent into chaos and substance abuse as experts confirmed her celebrity cycle had completed its first full revolution.
DAME Helen Mirren last night threw up all over a coffee table and then urged everyone to have a good look at it.
X-FILES star David Duchovny last night became the latest Hollywood star to have sex with countless women and then claim he was not right in the head.
Duchovny has checked himself into a rehabilitation clinic which specialises in the treatment of men who like to hump anything that moves but do not want to have arguments with their wives.
THE new series of Strictly Come Dancing is to be recorded at the bottom of a large barrel, the BBC confirmed last night.
JEREMY Paxman is to present Newsnight dressed as a black man as he seeks an above inflation pay rise from the BBC.
MILLIONAIRE chef Jamie Oliver has attacked Britain's drinking culture and urged people to forget their troubles by sniffing some really fresh basil.