THOUSANDS of people who find actual music too confusing are excited to purchase the new single by Cheryl Cole.
MODEL Kelly Brook has left the mortal plane to travel the higher realms looking for love.
WOMEN with no interest in copulation are bereft following the marriage of their dream man George Clooney.
ACTOR Stephen Fry has admitted refusing to share his cocaine with a furious Prince Philip.
HER Majesty the Queen has the sexual energy of a young Michelle Pfeiffer, it has been confirmed.
MORGAN Freeman has agreed to appear in a wise, solemn but twinkling role in a film yet to be conceived.
NOVELIST Hilary Mantel has confessed to the murder of Margaret Thatcher.
SIR Donald Sinden and Ian Paisley had been signed up to play each other in the West End, it has emerged.