Environment

Warmest year on record except in hearts

BRITAIN has enjoyed the warmest year for two-and-half centuries except in its inhabitants cold, hateful hearts.

Putting on coat renamed ‘deploying personal anti-elements shield’

THE government has recommended wildly exaggerated militaristic terms for putting on warm clothes.

Extreme weather not going to stop Britons having a fag

BRITAIN’S cigarette addicts have confirmed that no amount of bad weather will stop them inhaling carcinogens.

Antarctic to endure Northern winter

THE Arctic Circle is bracing itself for weather conditions usually reserved for Lancashire.

Bristol fog smells suspiciously of skunk

THE ‘fog’ currently enveloping Bristol has a strong aroma of cannabis, it has been claimed.

Killer seals playing pretentious mind games with police

KILLER seals are attempting to engage police in pseudo-intellectual cat-and-mouse games.

Loch Ness Monster sighting was just branch wearing Tam o’ Shanter

EXPERTS have dismissed recent sightings of the Loch Ness Monster as nothing more than floating wood wearing a tartan bonnet.

Seal open to relationship outside his species

A SEAL has confirmed that he would be open to dating other types of animal if the chemistry was right.