Seagull stands on top of bin and proclaims himself king

A SEAGULL has landed at the summit of a litter bin and proclaimed himself the ruler of all he surveys.

Escaped gorilla is a metaphor for me, say all Londoners

LONDONERS have told the gorilla which tried to escape from London Zoo that it is all of them, and it was doomed from the start.

Bohemian, middle-class household just dirty

A HOUSEHOLD that describes itself as ‘bohemian’ just needs to tidy up and push the hoover round, guests have agreed.

Apes wonder why they haven’t taken over world yet

PRIMATES are unsure why they have yet to take over the planet when humanity is clearly doing such a terrible job.

Hinkley Point nuclear plant given go-ahead because 'it's only near Bristol'

THE government has approved the building of a nuclear power station at Hinkley Point because if anything should go wrong it only affects Bristol.

Southern Britain goes all fancy and continental in heatwave

ONE day of unexpected hot weather has transformed Southern Britons into languid continental-style sensualists.

Motorists form orderly queues within marked lanes in bank holiday traffic chaos

BANK holiday traffic chaos has hit the UK, with tens of thousands of motorists following each other in neat lines at low speed while obeying all laws of the road.

Cat desperately searching for penis

A CAT has not seen his penis for three weeks, it has emerged.