Environment

Spring vastly overrated

SPRING is more or less the same as winter, it has been confirmed.

Joy of spring curtailed by remembering it pisses it down throughout

BRITAIN’S brief joy at the arrival of spring has ceased after remembering that it will rain solidly for two months of it.

Bathroom spider breaks unspoken agreement to remain in exact same spot

A SPIDER has broken an unspoken agreement to remain in the same highly visible spot in the bathroom.

Cat desperate to go outside until door opened

A CAT has rejected the chance to go outside, despite having seemed incredibly keen to do so.

Warhammer demon thing apologises for wearing fur

A CHAOS Daemon from space wargame Warhammer 40,000 has shamefacedly yielded to PETA’s request to remove fur from its armour.

London now literally toxic as well as metaphorically

LONDON is now smothering its residents literally as well as metaphorically. 

Courgette famine yet to claim first victim

NOBODY has starved to death so far despite a desperate lack of courgettes reaching British shores.

Everyone moaning about snow whether they’ve had any or not

HEAVY snow or hardly any snow are both a great excuses for a massive whine, the UK population has confirmed.