Environment

Cat desperately searching for penis

A CAT has not seen his penis for three weeks, it has emerged.

Huge spider in no way more scared of you than you are of it

A MASSIVE spider has confirmed that it is in no way more scared of you than you are of it, so you best just keep walking.

Pasty Britons in desperate 48-hour race to get tan

THE pasty people of Britain have just two days to expose their bodies to enough sunlight to last for the other 363 days.

Weather reassures parents it will be shit again for the holidays

THE UK’s weather has reassured anxious parents it will return to raining solidly for their upcoming fortnight away.

Heatwave sees huge rise in whingeing gits

THE heatwave currently hitting Britain has led to a huge rise in people moaning about it.

Man finds least dirty plate to put frozen pizza onto

A MAN has had to examine all four of his dirty plates to see which one is clean enough to put a pizza on.

Britain to get retractable roof

THE UK is to ditch Trident and spend the £170 billion savings on a retractable roof to cover the entire country.

Man mows lawn for insane length of time

A MAN’S neighbours are wondering how he could have spent such an insane amount of time mowing a fairly small lawn.