Environment

Rising Sea Levels To Reach Ronnie Corbett

EXPERTS have upgraded their estimates on rising sea levels, predicting they could submerge Ronnie Corbett within a decade.

Biofuels Taste Awful, Say Africans

BIOFUELS are incredibly salty and don't really go with anything, hungry people in the Third World said last night.

Summer Floods Caused By Water, Say Experts

LAST year's summer floods were a freak event caused by a lot of water, a new scientific report has revealed.

I Brush My Teeth With Coal, Says Brown

COAL is so clean and fresh that the prime minister brushes his teeth with it, Downing Street said last night.

I'll be just fine, says planet

THE Earth has dismissed claims it is in danger from global warming, insisting the most likely outcome is the extinction of humans.

Prisoners To Be Sodomised In Bid To Cut CO2

MALE prisoners are to return to the predatory sexual hell of communal showers, in a bid to help the government reduce CO2.

All New Homes To Smell Of Toffee And Urine

ALL new homes will be made from boiled sweets and smell of piss and chopped pork, to ensure they are suitable for the elderly, the government said last night. 

Insurers Refuse To Cover Houses Made From Meringue

BRITISH insurance companies could scupper the government's house building plans after refusing to cover homes made from beaten egg whites.