Environment
Met Office Finally Blamed
AFTER five days of disciplined self-control Britain finally gave in last night and blamed the Met Office for volcanoes.
Climatologists Claim Planet Is Haunted
GLOBAL warming is probably being caused by ghosts, climate scientists claimed last night.
Zoology Admits Defeat Over Cocks, Tits And Beavers
BEAVERS are to be renamed 'riverdogs' after zoologists finally conceded defeat to the overwhelming forces of sexual innuendo.
Green Campaign Urges Drivers To Get Wedged Under Lorry
THE government's latest green motoring campaign is urging drivers to switch off their engines and get wedged under a massive lorry.
Sunderland To Build Car That Won't Reach Doncaster
THE Nissan factory in Sunderland is to produce a new electric car that will be unable to get as far as Doncaster.
Organic Shoppers Rewarded With Right To Commit Evil
SHOPPERS are being offered the chance to use ethical purchases to 'offset' acts of unspeakable foulness.
Trees Will Not Become Unstoppable Killing Machines, Admit Climate Scientists
TREES will not uproot themselves and embark on blood-soaked killing sprees by 2035, global warming experts have admitted.
Endangered Boyles Hunted For Vocal Cords
NATURALISTS have warned that there are less than 50 Susan Boyles left in the Scottish rainforests, as they continue to be hunted for their prized vocal cords.