Ask Holly: Farage or Beckham?

Dear Holly,

Please help me, I don’t know what to do. It’s the referendum today and I can’t decide whether to vote for Nigel Farage or David Beckham. I was leaning towards Remain because otherwise all my hipster Facebook friends might unfriend me and turn pictures of my family into Nazi memes, but then Liz Hurley went and got naked behind a Brexit cushion on Twitter and now I’m all of a fluster. Whatever happens I’m going to complain about it, so should I just sod it all and go to the pub? That is the British way, after all.

Joe Public

Englandshire

Dear Joe,

Life would be a lot simpler if we just made the Queen work for all that money and make all our decisions for us. I don’t know why anyone hasn’t thought of that before, she always looks so bored; I’m sure she’d love to boss everyone about. Then again, it probably isn’t a good idea to let a 90 year old granny to be in charge: we’d all be forced to eat pink wafer biscuits and wear twinsets and watch Dad’s Army with the volume up so high no-one can hear themselves think.

Hope that helps,

Holly

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Country split down the middle on whether Vardy should start for England

THE debate over whether Leicester’s Jamie Vardy should start on the left of a three-man attack has left the nation sharply divided.

Weeks of increasingly bitter argument have seen half the nation demand that Vardy be played as a wide forward in an adapted 4-3-3, while the remainder insists he is most useful coming off the bench to run at tired defences.

Anti-Vardy spokesman Bill McKay said: “All experts agree that Vardy is best as a substitute. Daniel Sturridge should start against Iceland, and anyone who denies that is intentionally misleading the public.”

Pro-Vardy opponent Tom Booker said: “We should have faith in our traditional, old-fashioned strikers. I’m being made a pariah just for speaking my mind.”

The row has ended friendships and divided families. Booker’s partner Janet said: “I mentioned that Vardy was yet to prove his class at international level and Tom told me I’d been brainwashed by pro-Liverpool elites.

“When I tried to argue that Vardy had only had one good season, Tom said I was betraying the land my ancestors fought and died for.

“I just hope all this is over soon, and we can all come together over how Ross Barkley is a waste of space who shouldn’t be near the squad.”

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