I'm tired of being made to look like a dick by everyone in NATO

Dear Holly,

I’m tired of being made to look like a dick by everyone in NATO. Just because I’m a psychotic narcissistic Russian maniac doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings. How can I get my own back without causing a full-scale nuclear holocaust?

Vladimir Putin

Moscow

Dear Vladimir,

It’s not nice being the odd one out that everyone gangs up on. When everyone else is wearing Hollister and you are in George at Asda then ostracisation is inevitable. This is all the more reason to tell your mum there is proven scientific research that being forced to wear supermarket clothing in childhood is linked to heavy cocaine usage in later life.

Hope that helps,

Holly

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Men looking for pub toilet act like they know where it is

MEN who cannot find the pub toilet disguise the fact by striding manfully, it has emerged.

Researchers found that men who need to urinate would rather stroll around looking confident while utterly lost than show weakness and ask a regular.

37-year-old Roy Hobbs said: “I have spent nine hours looking for the toilet in an unfamiliar pub.

“You can’t ask anyone because they might sense your vulnerability and kill you, or worse still deliberately direct you to the wrong door which is in fact the cleaner’s cupboard.”

Plumber Tom Booker said: “The important thing is to never look lost.

“If you go to the wrong end of the pub, pull out your phone and pretend to read a text while subtly turning around.

“Remember the toilets may be in a Portakabin, or some other outdoor structure.

“If all else fails, wet yourself and pretend some clown spilled their drink on you.”

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