My lesbian porn stash has been discovered, am I going to Hell?

Dear Holly,

I’m quite embarrassed as my stash of lesbian porn has been discovered. My wife won’t mind but Jesus probably will. Am I going to hell?

Charlie Brooks

Chipping Norton

Dear Charlie,

Perhaps a more important question is why are all lady PE teachers lesbians? Is it part of the requisite training for the job? Or something to do with wearing sportswear all day long? I’ve always wondered. As for nudey books, why would you need a secret stash when you can just watch MTV? My granny says the minds of little girls today are being warped by the likes of Rhianna and Beyoncé, who are nothing more than porn stars themselves… but then again she also thinks Jeremy Paxman is the Prime Minister.

Hope that helps!

Holly

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Low crime rates mean benefits too high, say confused right-wingers

CRIME will continue to fall as long as benefits remain too generous, according to right-wingers who have no idea what they want anymore.

Latest crime figures show a 10% drop, prompting critics of social welfare to demand that jobseekers allowance is slashed until people are forced to behave like animals.

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “There’s still plenty of unemployment out there and yet my house is still full of lovely, expensive things.

“The only reason that infrared motion detector has never been used is because none of the scumbags need to get their filthy hands on my telly.”

He added: “I’ll only be convinced that my tax money has not been used for molly-coddling when I’m standing in my hallway, in a karate stance, as a gang of snarling, feral youths kick down my door.

“Actually, that sounds awful.”

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