Agony Aunt

Since when did a basic grasp of arithmetic become necessary in business?

I will have no need of such piffling nonsense when I become a Disney Princess.

Becoming Scotland's first minister was a piece of piss

As a strong woman in a position of power you need to ask yourself, what would Barbie do?

Even the BNP hates me

It's not nice being a Billy-no-mates.

I am deeply attracted to golf

People might think I'm weird for attempting a relationship with an abstract concept.

My other half is begging me to reconsider

Wales punched a hole in the wall of the school gym and took a dinner lady hostage for six hours.

My GQ award made me realise the sky's the limit

Just because you’ve got a shiny thing with your name on it, it doesn’t mean people like you.

All I can hear is heavy breathing and laughter

We often used to prank call our teacher, Mrs Babs, although not so much since she had the breakdown.

Do I use my bare hands or my Cath Kidston crossbow?

I can't advise on conventional personal weaponry, as they've recently banned it at my school.