"He might not be so cocky when he's trapped between my thighs."
Just be grateful we're not still living in the 1970s when Jesus was alive, because there's no doubt you would have been crucified by a baying mob.
One of the people who wants to be President of America is a merman.
When I asked my sister why she was letting strangers look at her pants, she explained that she had become a radical feminist, like her idol Rihanna.
My teenage big sister used to love playing dressing up and tea parties with me, but now she prefers to hang about park benches with big boys on bikes and tell my parents 'to go fuck themselves'.
My boss is starting to realise that I am lazy and shit at my job.
"I was really disappointed to see that underneath her clothes she was
wearing cheap underwear from Primark. Why is it women have no
self-respect these days?"
"There's not much else yet, but that's because we were busy for a few
days writing death threats to Caroline Flack."