Agony Aunt

Look at the stuff I sent to ministers, but lay off my One Direction fan mail

There is nothing more incriminating than a handwritten note.

Mental relaxation has affected my bottom

I can't even get up from a chair without letting one rip.

Is this the baby blues you hear about?

Ensure you have an adequate supply of slate blue corduroy trousers.

I've been suffering from terrible constipation of late

Have you ever noticed that teachers never go to the toilet?

I'm getting all edgy about this Scotland thing

I once went to visit Scottish relatives so I have seen the dreadful darkness that dwells there.

Our friends expect an obscene display of wealth

Don't show off because it could get you killed.

Every time I give a lady one of my 'special cuddles', she ends up with a baby

If you want to know anything like that just go and ask Phillip Holliday, the big weirdo.

My lesbian porn stash has been discovered, am I going to Hell?

Perhaps a more important question is why are all lady PE teachers lesbians?