Agony Aunt

All I can hear is heavy breathing and laughter

We often used to prank call our teacher, Mrs Babs, although not so much since she had the breakdown.

Do I use my bare hands or my Cath Kidston crossbow?

I can't advise on conventional personal weaponry, as they've recently banned it at my school.

I might dye my hair brown like proper politicians

If mummy said looks don't matter she was LYING.

I have completely changed my mind about Scottish independence

Do you think anyone will mind if I ditch the whole thing?

I'm being publicly taunted by that young upstart Justin Bieber

You need to throw his school bag in a river.

This Commonwealth thing is on all bloody day

The inhumanity is almost too much to bear.

Life can be tough for a superstar racing driver with wads of cash

You don't know the meaning of the word 'cruel' until you have spent a few hours with pre-pubescent school girls.

I need a refresher course in the Scottish tongue

The only Scottish person I know is that ginger girl from Woolly and Tig on CBeebies.