"I was thinking perhaps my profile needs work and I possibly shouldn't mention my tiny gnarled penis and my love of garrotting."
Now Christmas is over, my husband has lost his festive cheer and has gone back to his usual, miserable self...
The Archbishop of Canterbury got it right in his speech this year when he said "everyone in the UK is a total arsehole".
I've come to the decision that the people of Britain have been far too naughty this year, what with all the looting and rioting and striking...
My wife is having it off with the chap who lives at no 65. I wouldn't mind so much, as it keeps her off my back of an evening...
My wife has agreed for us to have my mother-in-law round for Christmas again, which means discussions about piles and David Cameron's evil eyes amid the overwhelming smell of Lily of the Valley mixed with human faeces.
I'm thinking of jacking it all in and investing in a potter's wheel. What do you think?
'What the fuck do you think you're doing you smelly little weirdo?'.