Having broken up with my wife, I'm surprised to find I don't want to listen to Coldplay.
My granny says that in the olden days people used to take photos of other people.
There is nothing more incriminating than a handwritten note.
I can't even get up from a chair without letting one rip.
Ensure you have an adequate supply of slate blue corduroy trousers.
Have you ever noticed that teachers never go to the toilet?
I once went to visit Scottish relatives so I have seen the dreadful darkness that dwells there.
Don't show off because it could get you killed.
- Every time I give a lady one of my 'special cuddles', she ends up with a baby
- My lesbian porn stash has been discovered, am I going to Hell?
- If the president of France can't have some naughty fun, what hope is there for humanity?
- My main talent is having a big gob
- People have been calling me 'Scrooge' because I got spotted in Poundland