"I intend to break into his house, put on Alive and Kicking by Simple Minds at full volume, tie him to a chair with pretty tartan ribbon and then force feed him haggis until he bursts."
"First, and most important, you need at least one three-litre bottle of cheap cider."
"Will my statutory consumer rights be affected if I stab a checkout lady in the face?"
"I panicked and ended up telling her I wanted to blast my hot man juice all over her lovely long neck."
"I was thinking perhaps my profile needs work and I possibly shouldn't mention my tiny gnarled penis and my love of garrotting."
Now Christmas is over, my husband has lost his festive cheer and has gone back to his usual, miserable self...
The Archbishop of Canterbury got it right in his speech this year when he said "everyone in the UK is a total arsehole".
I've come to the decision that the people of Britain have been far too naughty this year, what with all the looting and rioting and striking...