Agony Aunt

My lesbian porn stash has been discovered, am I going to Hell?

Perhaps a more important question is why are all lady PE teachers lesbians?

My main talent is having a big gob

Liars will get mauled by a large predator, along with all their sheep.

People have been calling me 'Scrooge' because I got spotted in Poundland

The three wise men would probably have bought their gifts in Poundland too.

I've been stuck on a stupid vegan diet

Vegans are not allowed Haribo Star Mix.

I'm worried about poor old Nigella

She's obviously really talented because she even got my daddy interested in cooking.

People just want to worship their false consumer Gods

For a dramatic edge, our careers officer likes to set 'the reveal' to climactic pop music.

It's my husband's birthday but he's a miserable git

It's always a challenge to buy a dad-present which doesn't involve whisky, or Jeremy Clarkson.