I introduced the idea of wife swapping at our last neighbourhood watch meeting, but it didn't go down too well.
For all you know, he's been collecting dried dog turds, or playing with his pee-pee.
Although the recent English riots didn't extend as far as our town, I fear that I have played my own shameful part in the civil unrest and have been wrestling with my conscience ever since.
My daughter-in-law recently lent me Al Gore's award winning environmental documentary, The Day After Tomorrow.
"All I can think of these days is how to escape the next blast from her enormous winking anus."
'Ken Barlow came out of the TV set and grabbed me around the neck. His eyes were burning with an intense, pink fire'.
'There's a guy in my office who's always got birds swarming round him, and I've heard on the grapevine that he's a homosexual.'
'Her other kids are called Scrooge, Rumplestiltskin, Black Beauty and Thomas the Tank Engine.'