One of my so-called 'friends' has apparently been slagging me off on Facebook and Twitter and I'm not willing to let her get away with it.
'I'm going to have to find someone else to impregnate me with the next messiah and commence the decimation of the human race'.
Last weekend I was doing something I shouldn't with an unknown gentleman in a nightclub toilet when we were unexpectedly interrupted by my sister-in-law.
'Should I bother with all the hassle of buying a flashy car when I could just hand this girl the loot and tell her to get her knickers off?'
'It all came to a head the other day when I slashed the tyres of her Mazda MX5 and scratched 'whore' onto the bonnet.'
Dear Holly,Now that we're having warmer weather, it's time to dust off my shorts, pull a razor through the jungle on my legs and get some fresh air about my stale armpits.
"Unfortunately, once Kate’s womb has been used to produce the future Monarch, she will probably be executed like Mary Queen of Scots and Anne Robinson."
"If mummy decides that she deserves a few cheeky bottles of pinot on a Friday morning, I don't see what the big deal is."