For all you know, he's been collecting dried dog turds, or playing with his pee-pee.
Although the recent English riots didn't extend as far as our town, I fear that I have played my own shameful part in the civil unrest and have been wrestling with my conscience ever since.
My daughter-in-law recently lent me Al Gore's award winning environmental documentary, The Day After Tomorrow.
"All I can think of these days is how to escape the next blast from her enormous winking anus."
'Ken Barlow came out of the TV set and grabbed me around the neck. His eyes were burning with an intense, pink fire'.
'There's a guy in my office who's always got birds swarming round him, and I've heard on the grapevine that he's a homosexual.'
'Her other kids are called Scrooge, Rumplestiltskin, Black Beauty and Thomas the Tank Engine.'
I was doing a bit of weeding in the garden this weekend, and as I was crouching by the fence, I realised I could overhear the conversation of our next door neighbours.