"I was really disappointed to see that underneath her clothes she was
wearing cheap underwear from Primark. Why is it women have no
self-respect these days?"
"There's not much else yet, but that's because we were busy for a few
days writing death threats to Caroline Flack."
"How do I find out his yearly salary so I can decide if being crushed by a sweaty walrus is worth it?"
"I intend to break into his house, put on Alive and Kicking by Simple Minds at full volume, tie him to a chair with pretty tartan ribbon and then force feed him haggis until he bursts."
"First, and most important, you need at least one three-litre bottle of cheap cider."
"Will my statutory consumer rights be affected if I stab a checkout lady in the face?"
"I panicked and ended up telling her I wanted to blast my hot man juice all over her lovely long neck."
"I was thinking perhaps my profile needs work and I possibly shouldn't mention my tiny gnarled penis and my love of garrotting."