Agony Aunt

I've been suffering from terrible constipation of late

Have you ever noticed that teachers never go to the toilet?

I'm getting all edgy about this Scotland thing

I once went to visit Scottish relatives so I have seen the dreadful darkness that dwells there.

Our friends expect an obscene display of wealth

Don't show off because it could get you killed.

Every time I give a lady one of my 'special cuddles', she ends up with a baby

If you want to know anything like that just go and ask Phillip Holliday, the big weirdo.

My lesbian porn stash has been discovered, am I going to Hell?

Perhaps a more important question is why are all lady PE teachers lesbians?

My main talent is having a big gob

Liars will get mauled by a large predator, along with all their sheep.

People have been calling me 'Scrooge' because I got spotted in Poundland

The three wise men would probably have bought their gifts in Poundland too.