Agony Aunt

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I consider myself to be a vaguely attractive gentleman, not completely abhorrent to women, and yet I never seem to have much luck in getting one to intercourse me...

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I'm starting to think I might have a bit of a drug problem, but I don't know how to deal with it. Personally, I see nothing wrong with taking four enormous lines of coke, a couple of pills and 15 mohitos, and then dancing in a neon vest and shorts for 12 hours solid to The Pet Shop Boys...

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Although I'm great at my job, my boss is always favouring other staff and passing me over for promotion. Short of oral, I don't really know what I'm supposed to do to get ahead.

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My new boyfriend is really sweet and fun and attractive. The problem is that he’s got a tiny penis, and I can't help being slightly repulsed by its meagre dimensions...

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I'm a 30 year-old man and I think I'm in love with the woman next door, who happens to be nearly 45 years older than me. Although she looks vaguely like an elephant's scrotum I become aroused every time she puts out the milk bottles...

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I am really worried about my youngest son. He's only 15 but I think him and his friends might be drinking alcohol and smoking wacky cigarettes. He used to be such a darling boy, who took a keen interest in sport, as well as being a popular and active younger member of our church...

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Money is really tight at the moment, due to the credit crunch, and I was hoping you could offer me some tips to save money. Once I've paid my Sky subscription, stocked up on fags, and paid for my 20 lines on the National Lottery, there’s barely any cash left for other essentials, like the weekly payments on my plasma TV...

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I have a female colleague at work who is really ambitious and competitive. It's getting close to the point where I'm going to staple her eyelids to the desk, set fire to her hair, and forcibly insert a filing cabinet into her anus...