Agony Aunt

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I have never been particularly thin, but recently I was told by my doctor that I'm clinically obese and I am beginning to think I should try to lose some weight. The problem is I'd much rather sit in an armchair and scoff enough Domino's pizza to feed a family of five than subject myself to the humiliation and trauma of exercise...

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Since the birth of my first child, I have developed a rather intimate and embarrassing problem, and I am too ashamed to visit the doctor. Before I fell pregnant I was vaguely aware that having a baby might have some physical side-effects, but it seems that squeezing out a head and shoulders has seriously knackered my flaps...

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I am feeling depressed just now as I really hate my job. I've been working there for over 2 years but I've never really enjoyed it, and my colleagues are all back-stabbing arseholes. Recently, I've found myself calling in sick on a regular basis, taking solace in masturbating on the couch to Jeremy Kyle and eating entire multi-packs of crisps before 3pm. The thought of going back to work the next day makes me almost suicidal. I can't bear it any longer! Can you help?

Your Problems Solved

BY PETULA SOUL 
Britain's most insightful agony aunt.

Dear Petula,
I have been married for 15 years and so still have ten years to go before I can divorce my husband and get the house mortgage-free. At the start of our relationship we had an active and healthy sex life but thankfully, since the kids were born, he has found it increasingly hard to maintain himself in an upright position for take-off and landing. Up until recently I was perfectly happy with this situation, but now one of my boyfriends has got a job on the rigs while another has signed up as a long-distance lorry driver. If I can’t pick-up anyone down the pub I sometimes have to go for two or three days without sex.

Your Problems Solved

BY PETULA SOUL 
Britain's most insightful agony aunt.

Dear Petula,
I’m married and have a baby but I have been attracted to this man at work for a few years. I believe he is attracted to me too because every time I go into his office he points at his genitals and makes grunting noises. I really don’t want to break my marriage vows but I also have a strong urge to lock crotches with this hunk and swap some gravy. Are there any days on which my vows do not apply? Or any places? I read once that vegetarians are allowed to eat meat as long as it’s in an in-flight meal. Obviously I will break them if I have to.
Faithful,
Farringdon

Your Problems Solved

BY PETULA SOUL 
Britain's most insightful agony aunt.

Dear Petula,
It is now approaching five days since I last had my hoggins. Up until now I have not really been tempted to indulge in a meaningless bunk-up or a one night stand as I am told that sex is so much better with somebody you are close too and have known for years. However, after four days of celibacy I’m really starting to feel open to all the options, and my husband will not be back from his golf holiday for another two nights. What do you advise? I’d love to wait for somebody I care for to come along, or failing that my husband. But I am desperate to get my butter churned. Any tips?
Gagging,
Gloucester
 

Your Problems Solved

BY PETULA SOUL 
Britain's most insightful agony aunt.

Dear Petula,
I have been with my partner for four years now, and while we have spoken about marriage I am not sure about taking the plunge. I have discussed the situation with my other boyfriend, and a few fuck-buddies, and they say it is just nerves ahead of the wedding in May. But I think we should probably just get the whole thing over with as soon as we can. The thing is my fiancée owns his house outright and has a lot of money in savings. I am worried that he might, say, have a terrible accident in his car with his brakes failing unexpectedly while we are on holiday at a mountain resort in Italy next week and I have just asked him to nip down to the village at the bottom of the hill for a jar of pesto. Imagine then how bad I will feel when I open up the cupboard door to get out his will, which I always keep with me, and discover a jar in there all along. If it should happen like that.
Hannah,
Hampstead

Your Problems Solved

PETULA SOUL 
Britain's most insightful agony aunt. 

I’ve been married for ten years and at first our sex life was great, but recently my husband appears totally disinterested in shunting his beef train into my tuna station. We have sex on maybe three or four occasions a week, but most times I ask for it he claims to be busy driving us along the motorway to my mothers or something. I’ve asked him whether he would like to share a session with my boyfriend or watch me with my lesbian lover, in case he’s finding it all a bit much on his own. I also phone him to offer him first dibs when I’m at the pub and looking for someone to shag me in the car park. Do you think he is having an affair?
Hurt,
Hampstead.