Agony Aunt

I've been snubbed by the future king

You'll still have plenty of fun writing rude words on the kitchen cupboards with a Sharpie.

I was shocked to discover I am 'thinspiration'

I hadn't heard of any of them except Cherie Blair and she's not at all pretty.

I could burst into a vomit-inducing Disney song at any moment

You start off with a few Ribenas and next thing you know, you're offering Brown Owl a head massage.

No matter what I do, everybody hates me

Free school dinners are like free dog turds.

It's like Charles Manson for Generation Y times a million percent

Until now, us Directioners have focused mostly on soft targets like Taylor Swift.

I have no idea how to be a dad unless it involves smoking heavily

Such a deep level of idiocy can't simply be learned, it must be innate.

My husband was a complete bastard to Kathleen Turner

If you don't believe me, watch The War of the Roses.

There aren't enough hotties in my bake off

The only one worth a second look made an awful rhubarb and custard mess.