"After about nine months there is an intense searing pain in my crotch and, weirdly, I hear a baby crying."
I'm in the shit. I need an excuse, and quick, can you help? Yours, Sir John Chilcot
IT always begins with me slowly entering the Bake Off tent in the middle of the night.
WE learned all about sugar and diet in school and how anything that tastes remotely nice is EVIL.
EVERYONE in the sixties was a heavy minger.
AS president of the unofficial Taylor Swift fan club, I have taken an official oath to always despise One Direction.
THEY hate me because I win all the awards for being a mad mental left winger.
WE did the planets at school last year so I know everything there is to know about astrology.