Agony Aunt

Who's lying - the bobby or the bike-riding bastard?

You can never tell if a grown-up is fibbing.

Am I going to Hell for watering my plants in the nod?

My granny's dog is naked all the time, you can see his balls and everything.

I've been secretly wearing my wife's lovely, silky underwear

Shall I just put the thong back in her drawer and hope for the best?

Should I get to know my neighbours by burgling them?

Perhaps you should consider something more jolly like a ouija board session.

Stop worrying and watch Deliverance instead

We can go into the garden and snigger at her frightening undergarments, and maybe have a peek at her dog Bilko's enormous testicles.

How can I grow a willy?

If one comes near me I'll be sure to squish it with my shoe.

How can I woo this handsome man?

My wish came partly true, except K-Stew hasn't been mauled by a rabid dog yet.

Why is everyone so mean to that poor Chinese swimmer?

Winning doesn't feel good when you're dealing with friction burns and a brutal sugar come-down.