Agony Aunt

I've been secretly wearing my wife's lovely, silky underwear

Shall I just put the thong back in her drawer and hope for the best?

Should I get to know my neighbours by burgling them?

Perhaps you should consider something more jolly like a ouija board session.

Stop worrying and watch Deliverance instead

We can go into the garden and snigger at her frightening undergarments, and maybe have a peek at her dog Bilko's enormous testicles.

How can I grow a willy?

If one comes near me I'll be sure to squish it with my shoe.

How can I woo this handsome man?

My wish came partly true, except K-Stew hasn't been mauled by a rabid dog yet.

Why is everyone so mean to that poor Chinese swimmer?

Winning doesn't feel good when you're dealing with friction burns and a brutal sugar come-down.

I was wondering if I would be suitable for the Paralympics, seeing as I am colourblind?

Matthew's injury meant his mum withdrew her sponsorship offer of a Chupa Chup.

My f*cking boss reckons I need to work harder

Toss his lunchbox to the ground so his Um-Bongo bursts and Wotsits go scudding across the concrete.