Agony Aunt

Get some concealer on that red nose

The others laugh at you because you look like a bell-end.

She's in hospital because Prince William has done something dreadful to her

If vaginas are like handbags, I expect the current trend is for something oversized and with a chunky zip.

After being married for 50 years, it's time to experiment with legal highs

Unfortunately, you can’t have fun in this world unless you pay the government loads of tax.

My boyfriend always says he's not thinking about anything

If you eat two Big Mac meals at once, your farts smell of petrol.

I like telly, can I run the BBC?

Why should you be discriminated against, just because you're useless?

I waited until my wife left, then whipped out a pot of Onken

Let everyone in the world know your wife's got an itchy moo-moo.

Of course, the fact that his secretary is also called Marie is pure coincidence

In my Brownie troupe there are 27 people called Olivia.

You're like that mentalist Bumgardener

He should have started with jumping off my granny's garage.