Agony Aunt

When I look in the mirror I see my brother Ed

You don't want a video of you snogging your own arm to go viral.

I just want to wear a leotard and a sparkly cape

Apparently the WWF is wildlife not wrestling.

I used a bad word about someone's mum on Twitter

All the boys at school claimed to have seen each others' mums breaking the scales at Weight Watchers.

Since when did a basic grasp of arithmetic become necessary in business?

I will have no need of such piffling nonsense when I become a Disney Princess.

Becoming Scotland's first minister was a piece of piss

As a strong woman in a position of power you need to ask yourself, what would Barbie do?

Even the BNP hates me

It's not nice being a Billy-no-mates.

I am deeply attracted to golf

People might think I'm weird for attempting a relationship with an abstract concept.

My other half is begging me to reconsider

Wales punched a hole in the wall of the school gym and took a dinner lady hostage for six hours.