Agony Aunt

Stop worrying and watch Deliverance instead

We can go into the garden and snigger at her frightening undergarments, and maybe have a peek at her dog Bilko's enormous testicles.

How can I grow a willy?

If one comes near me I'll be sure to squish it with my shoe.

How can I woo this handsome man?

My wish came partly true, except K-Stew hasn't been mauled by a rabid dog yet.

Why is everyone so mean to that poor Chinese swimmer?

Winning doesn't feel good when you're dealing with friction burns and a brutal sugar come-down.

I was wondering if I would be suitable for the Paralympics, seeing as I am colourblind?

Matthew's injury meant his mum withdrew her sponsorship offer of a Chupa Chup.

My f*cking boss reckons I need to work harder

Toss his lunchbox to the ground so his Um-Bongo bursts and Wotsits go scudding across the concrete.

What hope for ugly people?

Back in the eighties Mimi Rogers was visited by an angel who told her that she would marry the messiah and also go on to win an Oscar for her role in Full Body Massage.

I'm excellent at cleaning the bath - why aren't I in Team GB?

It's not much consolation when you're scrubbing excrement from the inside of a ripped potato sack.