the dailymash

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I have developed strong feelings for a woman I work with but she does not seem to ready to accept our love and is in a permanent state of denial. Although I am always doing romantic things for her, like using a blown-up photo of her face as my screensaver, sending her clumps of my pubic hair through internal mail and writing our names in poo on the bonnet of her car, she still won't admit that she wants me too and has totally overreacted by telling the boss and getting me in all sorts of trouble. How can I get my revenge on this stuck-up bitch?
Jonathan,
Norfolk

Dear Jonathan,
Every school child knows that revenge is a dish best served with a side order of humiliation. Not only must acts of vengeance be swift, they must also be carried out in view of as wide an audience as possible. Why not try burping loudly and blowing it into this woman's face in the middle of a meeting? Perhaps you could find a used jonny bag or a dried piece of dog mess and leave it on her desk? Or even better just lift up her skirt in front of everyone so they can see what colour pants she's wearing. You can guarantee this will take her down a peg or two and earn you the respect of your colleagues in the process.
Hope that helps!
Holly