BY PETULA SOUL 
Britain's most insightful agony aunt.

Dear Petula,
It is now approaching five days since I last had my hoggins. Up until now I have not really been tempted to indulge in a meaningless bunk-up or a one night stand as I am told that sex is so much better with somebody you are close too and have known for years. However, after four days of celibacy I’m really starting to feel open to all the options, and my husband will not be back from his golf holiday for another two nights. What do you advise? I’d love to wait for somebody I care for to come along, or failing that my husband. But I am desperate to get my butter churned. Any tips?
Gagging,
Gloucester
 

Petula says: Dear Gagging,
My dear old mum always used to say to me that nothing in the love making department was better than sex with your husband. How right she was! I can’t say how glad I was when Mr Soul decided to give up see-sawing away on top of me every night, pulling the face like a chinaman, and concentrate instead on playing hide the wally with that common little tart he claimed was his secretary. Aren’t they supposed to be able to type as well as wander about with their knickers showing? But I digress. Five days? And hubby away playing golf. Don’t you get your milk delivered? Or what about postie? When is the window cleaner due? I must say I admire your self-control, but fear you may be doing your choo choo some serious harm. Use it or lose it, I say!

MY husband moved out of the family house four months ago to live in his own apartment. He has grown a moustache and started wearing vest tops and a leather cap. He also wears tight leather shorts, motorcycle boots, and has starting hanging out with a group of men who wear Indian head-dresses, cowboy outfits, sailor uniforms or dress as construction workers or motorcycle cops. If he’s not doing that he’s dressing up as Judy Garland and going to sing-a-long showings of the Wizard of Oz. He’s also started having bum sex with men. Is he gay? If so, can I claim on my insurance, I want a new patio?
Nicole,
Northampton.

I recently bought 31 new two-bedroom flats from a series of property developers for £7.5 million despite never having seen any of them. The idea was I would do no research, have no idea about the property market, they would manage them all for me, I would do no work whatsoever and I would become a millionaire. It all seemed very straightforward to me. So I did not put down any deposits and borrowed all the money from the bank at a silly interest rate. Now it appears my flats are worth nothing and I can’t rent them out to cover my interest bill. My bank is going to repossess all the flats and then my house and my car. It says I will still owe them £3.5 million and so will have to hand over my wife and my 15-year old daughter for the chief executive to use as he pleases. Might this explain the sudden and early onset of impotence?
Flaccid,
Flaxborough.

Petula says: Dear Flaccid,
I am not sure whether your current situation is sufficient to explain your impotence. However, it certainly suggests you are fucked. You lazy, stupid, greedy, bastard.

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