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BY PETULA SOUL
Britain's most insightful agony aunt. Dear Petula,
I have been with my partner for four years now, and while we have spoken about marriage I am not sure about taking the plunge. I have discussed the situation with my other boyfriend, and a few fuck-buddies, and they say it is just nerves ahead of the wedding in May. But I think we should probably just get the whole thing over with as soon as we can. The thing is my fiancée owns his house outright and has a lot of money in savings. I am worried that he might, say, have a terrible accident in his car with his brakes failing unexpectedly while we are on holiday at a mountain resort in Italy next week and I have just asked him to nip down to the village at the bottom of the hill for a jar of pesto. Imagine then how bad I will feel when I open up the cupboard door to get out his will, which I always keep with me, and discover a jar in there all along. If it should happen like that.
Hannah,
Hampstead
 Petula says: Dear Hannah,
The very fact that you have referred to the, admittedly unlikely, prospect of your fiancée being killed in a completely unexpected car accident after being sent out by you on a totally pointless errand suggests to me that you have already gone beyond girlfriend status and are committed and ready to become a wife, which, you may be pleased to learn, would mean you would pay no inheritance tax. However, there are a few questions to be answered. While many husbands suffer unexpected car accidents on Italian mountain resorts because of freak brake failure some manage to save the situation through skilful use of the gears. Have you considered sending him for the pesto after a couple of bottles of red? If I was you I would also suggest he drive very fast through a tunnel while wearing sunglasses on the remote chance that he will come out the other end temporarily blinded by the light and smash unexpectedly into a huge motorised shovel that will then push him and his car over the edge. These things happen you know.
My girlfriend loves me very much. However, she has put a total ban on hochmagandy because she says my kidney squasher is so huge she is scared of it. She is a virgin you see, so I suppose I can understand her fear. We have a lovely home life here in the farmhouse that I bought after the lottery win, and I love her two children from her previous relationships like my own. But does she really need a different sports car for everyday of the week? Anyway, I have to confess that the other night I really lost it. I was lying awake and my nads were about to explode. So when she rolled over on her side, and her breathing became slow and even, I nipped round the back and I was at it for fully a minute before I made the face like a Chinaman. Guess what? She never even woke up once, never mind scream out in agony! Perhaps she was just very relaxed. Lately she has taken to spending a lot of time with my friends chopper, donkey man and giant cock. How am I going to get her to conquer this irrational fear?
Button Knob,
Lincs.
Petula says: Dear Button,
Most women are revolted by the sight of a man’s genitals, and the bigger they are the more disgusting they appear. Personally I get more of a thrill out of knitting than I do out of having some goo splurging flesh rocket that looks like it belongs in a horror film ploughing away in my lady garden. I really did get quite a few very nice jumpers finished during the time Mr Soul was heaving away up there, before he left me for that skinny bitch at his office of course. So in my experience, it is the things that are attached to these cocks that are really revolting, not so much the cocks themselves. Having said all that your case does appear unusual. It’s not often I get letters from men called Button Knob complaining of such prick size related problems. Why not ask your friend giant cock for advice? Or just stand next to him at the urinals as he hauls his out like a hose as you dribble all over your own pants. I think your girlfriend is pulling your plonker, or would be if she could only get hold of it.
Is there anything I can do about the size of my penis? I’m 26 and my bum tickler is only six inches long when fully erect. I’ve tried pills in the past but they did not work. I’ve also tried hanging lead weights off it, but while this does provide me with an odd pleasurable sensation it has not done anything to increase the size of my beaver cleaver. I’m really embarrassed about this and it’s stopped me having sex for years now, even with myself. Please help.
Long John,
Silverlink.
Petula says: Dear John,
A lot of guys these days worry about their the size of their penises at all times, and with good reason. In the old days women tended to keep pretty quiet about hugely disappointing sexual encounters with men with tiddlers, often telling only ten or 20 of their closest friends that last night’s shag should be avoided as he was a premature ejaculating matchstick man. However, thanks to the internet such information can be spread much more rapidly among the sisterhood through the many love lance comparison websites that have recently sprung up, including my own favourite www.are-you-in-yet.com, which contains comprehensive size and performance listings for most men in Britain. Checking your last entry, if you could call it that, it would appear your voluntary abstinence is no great loss to womankind. According to Tracey Onions back in 2001 it was closer to four-and-a-half and she had hardly unwrapped her chips before you were finished and off out the alleyway. Have you got one of those special men rulers, or do you think the penis starts just above the knee for measuring purposes, like most blokes?
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Agony Aunt 
