Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Times are hard in our household and our pensions barely keep us in Readers Digests and slankets. I suggested to my wife that she should be out on the streets touting for business so we can put food on the table again but she went mental and said she was shocked I’d suggest such a thing. But I reassured her there’s definitely a specialist market out there who would pay top dollar for a bit of elderly poontang. Don’t you agree?

Dear Horace,
We’re all feeling the pinch, and none more than me since my pocket money was reduced to just £2 a week. It’s all the more humiliating because Cindy Spencer told us she gets £5 a week plus all the sweets she can stuff in her gob, so she doesn’t even have to budget for confectionary! You can imagine my angst when the new Justin Bieber lunchbox came out priced at £5.99. My mummy said something preposterous about saving for a few weeks so I went and asked my granny to give me some cash but she started ranting about how her generation had to work down the mines and were happy with belly button fluff for dinner, and my sister punched me and told me to get a paper round. So there was nothing for it, I had to subsidise my wage by ‘borrowing’ from mummy’s purse. I felt guilty for a bit, but there’s nothing like the sensation of munching on Space Raiders whilst staring into Justin’s eyes to make any residual guilt go away.
Hope that helps!