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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My boss is starting to realise that I am lazy and shit at my job, which is a shame, because I quite enjoy playing Minesweeper and reading BBC news for sixty thousand a year. How can I get him off my case so I can get back to beating my high score on Solitare?
Frank
Air traffic control tower
Gatwick

 

Dear Frank,
If your work is anything like my class then you’ll have at least 16 colleagues with ADHD. Although individually, these people are annoying because they shout out in class and think it’s funny to throw Monster Munch at your head, as a group they can be a powerful resource. Say, for example, you accidentally watched High School Musical eight times instead of revising for an important maths test. All you have to do is offer each ADHD mentalist a whole packet of Fruit Gums about half an hour before the test and hey presto! You’ve got yourself a full scale riot. Teacher will be too busy trying to wrestle the fire extinguisher back, wiping the drawing of a big hairy cock and balls from the whiteboard and emptying urine out of his shoes to bother with a test and you’ll be free to draw love hearts on your Zac Efron poster for the rest of the afternoon.
Hope that helps!
Holly

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

A busy day at work this week as your colleague’s claim that there’s nothing worse than back pain sees you building a convoluted scrotum hammer for underneath his desk.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A proud day for Britain this week as Brazil’s economy overtakes ours by trading little more than nuts, pubic haircuts and glittery carnival costumes.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Of course, a diet is an essentially pointless exercise of denying yourself the usual psychological release you experience by eating fatty food, until you reach an arbitrarily-decided weight, at which point your self-destructive attitude to eating will recommence and your weight will spiral upwards, accompanied with an increased sense of self-loathing. But, y’know, 2 lbs off this week. Well done you.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You experience that frisson of disappointment when you’re all set to tick off a fellow train passenger for playing their music loudly, only to find it’s a young black teenager and your ire dissolves into a puddle of cowardice and white, middle-class guilt.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You’re feeling really low this week and could do with the reassurance of supportive friends but you can’t face the effort of actually making some.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your definition of the word ‘news’ is reassessed this week as a Catholic cardinal neglects to denounce gay marriage and instead shouts “Let the bumming commence!” and starts dancing bare-chested to Sylvester.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A visit from Trading Standards this week sees your 5K ‘fun run’ dressed as Mr Blobby renamed a ‘mundane jog’.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
“Here I go again on my own, going down the only the only road I’ve ever known”. Whitesnake really captured the helter-skelter life of a rural bus driver, didn’t they?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Life becomes much easier this week after you finally realise you can stop listening whenever anybody starts a sentence with “Isn’t it time we finally admitted…?”

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your cat does have its own little personality, you’re right, Specifically, that of a serial killing, erotomaniac narcoleptic.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your father was a policeman, and his father before him. Which doesn’t mean you’ll become a policeman but it does mean you grew up in a household full of free stolen stuff and a robust attitude towards questions of race.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you open a can of whupass on somebody, which is a disappointment as the label said it was sweetcorn.

 

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