Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

02-05-12

Dear Holly,
My wife looks after me to a good standard, and always cooks my tea and irons my shirts. But the miserable old bitch won’t give me a blow job because she thinks it’s dirty. Do I have grounds for litigation?
Graham,
Henley-on-thames

Dear Graham,
Stop thinking like a grown-up with sexual desires and start behaving like a child who wants some treats. All you have to do to get what you want is wait until your wife is wandering serenely around Sainsbury’s. Hopefully, she’ll have bumped into some old bag she’s not seen for a while, and be having a chin wag in the tinned food aisle. This is your moment. Make your request for whatever it is you want. ┬áIf you’re lucky, she’ll be so busy talking drivel to Mrs Sneddon from the PTA that she’ll agree to your demands on the spot and you can get back to slipping illicit sugar-coated items into the trolley. But be prepared for things to go the other way. If she’s on the ball, she’ll probably say no. In this case, you need to have a massive tantrum, preferably involving you rolling on the floor like a maniac in your duffel coat. No doubt she’ll be so embarrassed she’ll just say yes and get on with it.
Hope that helps!
Holly

 

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