Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper
I have a female colleague at work who is making my life a misery. She's really ambitious and competitive, and she tries to better everything I do, especially when the boss is around. I've been trying to ignore her endless one-upmanship for a while now, but it's getting close to the point where if she tells me her lunch looks more tasty than mine one more time I'm going to staple her eyelids to the desk, set fire to her hair, and forcibly insert a filing cabinet into her anus. Is there a last solution you can offer me before I resort to violence?
Take it from me, you need to whip this wannabe alpha-female into submission before she becomes a serious threat to you. I got embroiled in a drawing competition with my arch enemy Amanda Sullivan just before Christmas last year when she announced to the whole class that she was going to draw the nativity scene and that hers would be better than mine because I can't colour inside the lines (which is a complete lie). It was touch-and-go when she produced a Joseph reminicent of a young Bruce Springsteen, but it soon became clear I was the stronger contestant after I used my new silver and gold glitter pens to give the impression of moonlight dancing on the face of the baby Jesus. Already sensing defeat, Amanda Sullivan nearly soiled herself when, armed only with an HB pencil and a sheet of baking proof-paper, I superimposed Cheryl Cole's face on to the angel Gabriel.
So when your colleague challenges you next, instead of ignoring her you need to take the challenge on, and make sure you wipe the floor with that bitch – maybe you'll even get a gold star like me!
Hope that helps!