Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

30-10-09

Dear Holly,
Halloween is fast approaching, and as a pensioner living alone, I am rather nervous about what this might hold for me. When I was young, there was no such thing as vandalism or rape, and kindly, silver-haired folk like myself could answer the door without fear of being assaulted by a cocky seven-year-old in a Darth Vader costume. Can you give me any tips on how to reinforce my position and/or fight off a potential attack?
Edna
Grantham

Dear Edna,
Halloween is a frightening time for us all. I'm not allowed to go out trick-or-treating with my friends because my mummy says I'm not old enough yet. So I have to stay at home and watch
Coronation Street with my granny, who, ironically, looks and sounds just like a scary zombie when she starts snoring in front of the telly. If I'm lucky, she’ll be asleep before 9pm and I can secretly watch a highly unsuitable horror film where people have to hack off their limbs with terrifying instruments of torture whilst slipping around in a pool of their own blood. No doubt this will imprint on my vulnerable young psyche and give me nightmares and a preoccupation with violence for several years to come. So by the time I am old enough to be allowed go trick or treating on my own, I too will be ready to unleash a Halloween-themed campaign of terror against the elderly.
Hope that helps!
Holly

  • Share: