Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper
The other day, my girlfriend was trying on an outfit and she asked my opinion. I said that she looked nice, at which point she got all uppity and said she didn't believe me and she wished that I would just be honest with her for once. So I told her the truth: that she looked like Les Dawson in a boob tube. Next thing I know she's dumped me. I really do not understand women – what am I doing wrong?
I wouldn't worry too much. There are lots of things I don't understand either. For example, I once overheard my sister and her best friend, Stacey Morris, in my sister's bedroom talking about 'blow jobs'. Having not come across this mysterious expression before, I asked my sister to explain further. Unfortunately, in doing so, I gave away my secret position in her wardrobe and thus became the target for a swift and violent attack, resulting in my immediate ejection from her bedroom with two dead arms and a sore bottom.
At Brownies that evening, I asked Brown Owl, as she is very wise, if a blow job could count towards my Hobbies badge. Unfortunately, whatever it means, it must be against Brownie-Guide law, because Brown Owl said I wasn't welcome at the Brownies anymore and when my mummy came to pick me up she was all shouty and red in the face. I had to go to bed with no supper that night, and for some reason my sister isn't allowed to be friends with Stacey Morris anymore. And despite all that fuss I'm still none the wiser. Thankfully, my granny is coming over for Sunday lunch this week so I'll ask her while she's having her prawn cocktail.
Hope that helps!