Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper
I am terribly lonely and can't seem to make any friends. Whenever I try to engage a colleague in one of my favourite topics such as ornithology, or Heraldry, their eyes seem to glaze over and they make excuses to leave. I recently invited everyone in the office to come over to mine to eat a ploughman's lunch and watch David Dimbleby's excellent documentary, The Seven Ages of Britain, but no-one turned up. Am I doing something wrong?
Oh dear. Haven't you got any teddy bears? Or a dolly? Whenever I am feeling lonely I get all my toys together and have a lovely tea party in my bedroom, with real orange juice in the teapot. Perhaps if you're too poor to have teddies you could think up an imaginary friend to keep you company. However, if you decide to take this course of action, I'd advise against letting anyone else in on the secret. A boy in my class, Gregory Brown, had an imaginary friend called Jingo who lived in his coat pocket. Jingo and Gregory did everything together, like drawing lots and lots of pictures of dead cats and scary ladies with no eyes. I think maybe Jingo didn't like girls because he left something terrible in Olivia Tate's plimsoll, and told Gregory to chop off Francesca Young's ponytail during silent reading. Gregory didn't come back to school after that for a long time, and the teacher told us he had gone to see a special doctor. Thinking about it, maybe investing in a nice teddy and a Barbie doll would be a lot less complicated than making friends with someone like Jingo who'll only end up convincing you to put the end of your winkie in the big pencil sharpener.
Hope that helps!