Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

21-04-10

Dear Holly,
I met a woman called Barbara online in a Chris De Burgh fan forum last year, and for many months we have been emailing back and forth, getting to know one another and discussing our shared passion for Chris' phenomenal music. Last week, we plucked up the courage to finally meet. But as soon as I saw her, it swiftly became apparent that Barbara had been somewhat economical with the truth about her appearance. Although she had led me to believe she was a young, pretty blonde, it turned out that she would be better described as bearing an uncanny resemblance to Rick Parfitt from Status Quo. I feel slightly cheated by her duplicity but at the same time I haven't had sex for three years and I am 86% confident she will let me sleep with her. Do you think I should continue the friendship, in spite of her unsightliness?
Wayne,
Barnsley

Dear Wayne,
When my big sister and I were little, we had a big, fat German au pair called Wilhelmina who lived in our spare room and looked after us while mummy and daddy were busy with grown-up things like drinking wine and going away for the weekend. Wilhelmina was great fun, even though she had hairy legs and armpits like a man, and smelled a bit like beef. We did all sorts of enjoyable things together, and Wilhelmina taught me lots of valuable new life skills. Thanks to Wilhelmina, I can upside-down French plait my hair, say 'your mother is a female dog from hell' in German, and burp the last act of Das Rheingold by Wagner.
Unfortunately, due to an indiscretion on Wilhelmina's part involving a bus driver and his teenage son, suddenly one day she was sent back to Saarbrucken, never to be seen again, which made me very sad. Some people play a key role in your formative years, making a memorable and lasting impact on your life. But some people, like Wilhelmina, will also do anything for a Danish pastry and a free ride into town. Whatever the case, the most important thing that Wilhelmina taught me is that beauty is only skin deep, and even fat, hairy German ladies can be excellent company if you get to know them.
Hope that helps!
Holly

 

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