Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

09-06-10

Dear Holly,
I suspect that my husband is having an affair with my sister, but I haven’t yet been able to prove anything. Last night, I walked in to find my sister sitting astride my husband with her top off, lipstick smeared all over her face and his, shouting ‘ride me, cowboy!’. At first I was extremely angry, but my sister assures me she was simply attempting to retrieve a contact lens, and that my husband had very kindly stepped in to help. I don’t want to be presumptuous, but I have a feeling something fishy is going on. Do you think I should confront them?
Imelda
Lowestoft

Dear Imelda,
That reminds me of the time me and Stacey Lawson found a curious object in the sandpit in her back garden. Stacey got really excited and said it was probably an ancient fossil worth loads of money. We decided we would sell it to the Natural History Museum for billions of pounds and use all the money to buy ourselves loads and loads of treats. I eventually settled on a Barbie mansion and stables, a rainbow of jumbo felt tips and a Shaun the Sheep lunchbox, whereas Stacey was adamant that her half was all going on a lifetime supply of pickled onion Monster Munch. However, when we showed our treasure to my big sister, it turned out that the object was actually a dried lump of dog poo, not an ancient fossil. I’m not sure what was worse: the realisation that I wasn’t going to have a Barbie mansion and stables after all, or that I’d spent the last hour caressing an old piece of dog dirt. The lesson here is that you need to ensure you have access to all the facts before you start making wild assumptions. Also, that you probably shouldn’t play with strange brown things that you find lying around.
Hope that helps!
Holly

 

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